How can I ask my boyfriend to be more communicative in a LDR?

You already have. You’ve stated plainly enough to us, so I’m assuming you’ve stated it even more plainly, and often, to him.

You haven’t mentioned that he’s irritated, or annoyed. You haven’t mentioned that you’ve raised your voice, or done it in a complaining manner.

If this is all true, then you’ve done all you can, and unfortunately it’s time to move on. Contrary to what we see in fiction and in dramas sometimes, and to the perpetual myth – communication is NOT an option. It’s not a bonus, it’s not a special thing that only some people are able to do. A solid foundation of communication is for everyone, and a must in a relationship. Every person who wants to be in a relationship and enjoy the benefits of a partner must communicate with said partner.

There are no excuses. There’s no “I wasn’t brought up that way” or “I’m a guy, what do you expect” or “Well his heart is in the right place.”

People are intelligent, sentient, expressive feeling beings. All of them, regardless of gender.

If someone has an issue, emotionally, then it is up to them to explore and address that independently, privately so that they can be whole for their partner.

I’m not talking about an issue that develops in the middle of a marriage and both partners seek counseling to address it. I’m talking about someone who comes to the the table, to the relationship, and brings with them this limitation.

The boyfriend/girlfriend stage is not the fixing stage. The engagement stage is not the fixing stage either. Adjusting? Perhaps. But not fixing. Count yourself lucky that you have become aware of this at the boyfriend stage and can (relatively) easily move on.

Good luck.

Setting expectations in dating and relationships

Setting expectations  can be the cause of and solution to all of your dating and relationship problems.  It’s that important.  And it’s just as important in any relationships, including those with your children and your coworkers or clients.

This is even more important if you are stuck in the texting trap.  See the post regarding texting.

Expectations in dating

From the very moment of first contact, when the two parties have decided that they’d like to eventually meet, expectations are created.  Those expectations can vary quite a bit depending on the experiences and personality of the person.

Subjectively, take me for example.  My expectations are that I’d like to talk on the phone and meet as soon as possible.  I’m happy with texting, for a bit, since real life is going on and it’s easier to get in a few conversations between the needs of your kids, and so forth, than just waiting for a phone call.  Others may just have the expectation that we will text up until the actual date.  Well, others are wrong.  🙂

See?  That’s how expectations work – they are usually silent, and when they are not met, the most horrible of things happens: disappointment.

Haven’t you ever heard a kid or a teenager tell you the worst thing that their parents can do?  It’s not them being mad, or angry, or over reacting.  It’s sincere disappointment.

People experience it all the time in their relationships.  And they don’t generally speak up about it, until it’s too late.

And if you are just starting out, you want to put your best foot forward and not mess things up, so you put up with things that your normally wouldn’t because, hey, maybe you’re over reacting?

You aren’t.  You’re right.  And you find that out soon enough.

So what do you do?  Here’s what.

Get your default expectations in sync

Everyone has default expectations for everything.  I mean everything.  It’s part of our Reality Engine.  It’s part of the thing that says, “Hey, gravity makes things fall, that shouldn’t float up!” or “There’s no way that handsome man is looking at me, I must have spaghetti sauce on my face.” or “This is a fancy restaurant so I expect really good service.”

Most people’s expectations about non-relationship things will be in sync, it’s the relationship stuff that won’t be, and the cause of the invisible issues that create the most horrible of emotions.

Some people (me) may expect to talk on the phone before meeting.  Some people (most women) may not want to exchange phone numbers because You Are Probably An Axe Murderer.  That can cause an issue.

Some people may think nothing about texting endlessly (women new to dating) before meeting.  Others may want to text a little and then meet right away, as they know what an incredible waste of time it is if you don’t click.  Plus it takes away a lot of the potential conversation, and creates a false sense of closeness.

So, in the beginning, before you go too far, explain what your simple expectations are, and at the same time offer your flexibility:

  • I hope we can meet right away, and don’t have to endlessly text – here’s my schedule for the next few days
  • I have young children so it’s not easy to talk as I don’t want to talk in front of them – I’ll call you on the way to/from work tomorrow
  • I’m busy most of this week – I’ll make time for you on Friday or Saturday
  • I’m trying to eat healthy recently – I don’t mind what you eat, let’s just not meet where there are no healthy options
  • It’s hard to use my phone at work, as an International Spy – I’m happy to text/talk at night any time though, but will eventually have to kill you, probably during Ravel’s Bolero.

Follow those rules, be aware that both of you have expectations, and ask questions to make sure you are in sync.  The bonus is that not only will things go much smoother, you will potentially find out about incompatibilities much earlier.

As always, tweet your questions @onlyaglance

Milwaukee Dating

If this was northerner dating site, it would say:

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However, since it is not, it should say that if you want to use an online service for dating in Milwaukee (or anywhere) you can create a simple profile for free, view other singles and that’s it.  That’s really all there is to onlyaglance.com, which is why we refer to it as a tool.  You don’t waste your time filling out a profile that no one is going to read.  You make your profile almost instantly and answer a few questions and you are up and running in seconds, for free.  There are no hidden costs, there are no levels.

The rest is up to you.